4.15 AM

Last night was something. A tiny drop of rain on my window sill suddenly woke me up with its calm sound. The night was still cruel and dark - which is to say, as dark as the eye could see. I jauntily got dressed up, to set myself free in the pouring rain. And, to think about you again. How I had missed your ginger hair's scent on the pillow. Would it be a crime to call you secretly to hear you saying "hello" again?

3.00 AM

I walked down the street, until the tube station. It was an ultimate joy knowing no one knew what my aim was. I kept going until I reached that park, where I gazed at a broken memory we had at that cafe.

3.15 AM

Some unusual thoughts started to wander around in my brain. I couldn't tell if it was my heart or mind playing tricks on me. I followed an alley road which led me to a broken bench on the next park. The foggy yet summery sight reminded me of last winter. "I have been in the darkness for so long" , he yearned. "Is it a bad thing?" I asked. "No" he said, "No, until it starts to devour".

3.45 AM

The rain had started to get heavy. I asked myself if I wanted to endure my suffering over your shadow in my life. After all, we had some unfinished businesses. I couldn't go back home after that, not that night, anyway.

3.55 AM

"Uh! If only it was still summer" I cried - so that the sun could have risen upon me, warmed my face a little and given me a sight of hope, to dream again. You should have seen me standing there all alone, my misery, would have been a great object of derision.

4.00 AM

Suddenly that warm feeling of hugging you came into my mind. Something snapped inside. Why did I love you this much?

You were my sweet darkness. And just like an old poet once said, when you love the darkness, it loves you back. A serendipity, finally reveals itself.

4.15 AM

The raindrops had dropped their tears on my forehead. Whilst feeling them percolating through my face, I stared at that broken bench for the last time.  Then it all came back to me:

I knew you loved me, I could taste it in your tears.

Still Looking Out for Number One

Still Looking Out for Number One
Raymond Carver

Now that you’ve gone away for five days,
I’ll smoke all the cigarettes I want,
where I want. Make biscuits and eat them
with jam and fat bacon. Loaf. Indulge
myself. Walk on the beach if I feel
like it. And I feel like it, alone and
thinking about when I was young. The people
then who loved me beyond reason.
And how I loved them above all others.
Except one. I’m saying I’ll do everything
I want here while you’re away!
But there’s one thing I won’t do.
I won’t sleep in our bed without you.
No. It doesn’t please me to do so.
I’ll sleep where I damn well feel like it –
where I sleep best when you’re away
and I can’t hold you the way I do.
On the broken sofa in my study.

Redemption

I knew I would see you again.

Because after all that trouble I caused myself, it was a matter of time for me to "redeem" myself; that is to say, I have learned to look things differently. I have learned to let go, break free off my chains, put my own needs before I give, and never let anyone take from me, if they are meant to leave.

I have learned to forgive.

And amongst all our laughter and chemistry, you once more proved me, how much I had missed to touch you and love you. You were, truly, my sweetest downfall.

There was that moment when we couldn't help ourselves, over the burning feeling of desire and glow, that deep inside, we are only children, grown up. And only then, do we realise, how much we had sacrificed, to actually love and respect each other.

I thought you broke my heart once.

Never thought you would actually fix it one day.

Thank you.

Justice

I shall send you more nightmares, should you dare to sleep.
More demons beneath your bed
More haunted visions, for you to cling your prayer

Maybe more thoughts, and corruptions to keep you astray
Until you see, in the bigger picture
I wasn't only trespassing on your way

Sacrifice

I loved sacrificing for you

while you had been crucifying me on your love cross

I never felt betrayed

Nor defeated. 

On the contrary,

I loved being your prey

I let you to make me everything you needed me to be

So the judgement, would seem fair

Eclipse

I no longer feel excitement whilst falling...

I guess that's how they call free-falling. It almost felt like I've fallen this much to remind myself that I was only experiencing a different form of flying. A form, that would be all about letting go of everything that used to hold a meaning for you. A form, that would be cherished only if you were brave enough to sacrifice.

Sacrifice.

Can we say we have sacrificed this much to become who we are today? Are we proud of these new faces, and every single morning, when I look upon myself in the mirror, can I tell if that guy's happy?

Because I no longer can differentiate my reflection and myself.