Our Worst Enemies...

are not "them" , it is ourselves. So often we cling to our troubles and stress very tightly and do forget it is again ourselves, who makes it all more difficult. Our noble enduring fight is not with anyone or anything, it is with ourselves.

And just right at that point, my lovely friend Julia reminded me of something, saying : "If one is that strong to demolish self that easily, imagine what can they do to re-construct the self?"

Worth thinking for.

To move on, let go.

Let go of the fear that we are invincible or unguarded, let go of the feeling that no one can replace you.

Because, at the end of the day, you weren't invincible too, nor perfect. Neither was I, however I've been the victim in this game.

Which means, I have won in either cases. I have freed myself from the constant deceit that you could be the "one" and I could be your "one". Do you remember the long and kinda drunken message I sent you? That was my wake up call, and the very next day I talked to this person who who had promised the same things you did to me, and then, it all ended up for me. I had been missing the possibility of living those dreams, but then seeing that is a practice of you trying to "feel", it tainted everything, that heroic person, honest person turned into someone, well, shallow.

“What is hateful to thyself do not do to another."  - Hillel 

And it is deceiving. As at the end of the day, we only deceive ourselves, constantly.

The only feeling that remains at the end of the day...

Is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back.


This is a phrase from a dear friend, David, who is actually a well known musician in the field. (keeping his surname for privacy:)) And just like any other good friend, he came to listen to me today over a nice dinner he brought and a dessert I baked. It is such a relief to have friends like him that makes you feel not alone and loved. As he studied psychology at University so he diagnosed you with something that I don't really recall right now, but I can tell you it is beyond a simple diagnosis of depression.

And after all those weeks, I think only today, I felt like moving on. I changed almost everything in my room, and all the things even has a little potential of reminding you to me. And through the conversation I had with David, he stated this remarkable fact:

"No feeling is permanent, except for one, and that is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back, and grief for the lost ones that won't be able to return."

It reminded me of one of your phrases: "You only realise what is precious after they're gone."

Tell me, what kind of diagnosis of self-trouble would lead one to knowingly lose things that are dear to them?

Unless they are liars.

Lost or Found?

Living between the choices we make is often intoxicating. Each decision leads to another mystery and we seem to be bound to re-live everything from scratch. Sometimes it is healthy to have a deep hard look in the past and see how much we’ve come through. Or sometimes weep after the losses we had. 

Do I believe I lost anything? Yes and no, it is tricky that losing you seemed the best that could ever happen as you were never mine at all. You made me believe there could be a world within me where I can shelter in and remain quiet forever; so to survive, I lockdown. 

It is going to be a month in a couple of days (10-12 days) and do you know what hurts the most? Maybe being in the wrong times, in the last conversation we had you clearly mentioned you weren’t ready. If only you were, however I already have a song called “if only” and I don’t feel like writing another one. 

My claim to happiness is now all about my music, these sentences are being poured down from a train, Virgin Trains coach E-67. I had my first session with my future producer for a possible music single. We even sort of have picked the song, it all is a secret now, but it is about you, a brand new, fresh, intimate and broken Onur Uz song. I did imagine your eyes and your questioning stares at me when writing it, and how sometimes you were everything and sometimes nothing to me. You’re gonna like it, there are bombastic strings, backing vocals and some electronic stuff inside. (and of course piano)

In a couple of years from now maybe we will be grabbing our lattes and be talking about how funny we were, how childish and hopeless. Though you broke through from all this, it is I who is still here. 

When we look back, we start to see, how difficult it must have been, to retain and hold on to what we feel, and wish. Regardless of any circumstance we thrive to break free and find that little “slot” we can possess in life. Only then do we realise, we can have a certain place in this life. Maybe we should concentrate on that a little more, and tomorrow wake up all over again saying “I’ll try once more.” 

"Who Took You, Who are Kissing You Now?"

This is a Turkish singer and songwriter, Sezen Aksu, who has been one of the most noble musicians and voices of all times in Turkish music. I would never listen to this type of (not that it is bad, on the contrary it's a brilliant genre.) music but this time

I just closed my eyes and the chorus spoke on my behalf, look what it says:

Who took you, who are kissing you now?
On your lips, tongue, there are traces of strangers.

I hope you are happy with those strangers, and are able to fill in the blanks. Those eternal voids..

With or Without You

Amy Lee made this song even more beautiful. And it is way catchier this time. And is ironically about what I'm going through nowadays.

I literally can't make it, with or without you. Don't get me wrong, I'm all okay, happy and sound. Once you told me something "I'll see you if you still gonna want me when you'll have all the models fawning over you." Well, this kinda became real, and I still wanted you. Saw you in their shadows and hoped so badly if only they'd be you.

"The last song I'm wasting on you"

It is funny how someone can go and another can arrive, not only through having a strong potential to "step in" but also through an exciting feeling. Making you feel "I am done, I am ready and hopefully will be ready to sail towards new horizons." And it makes you also feel, "over it". You, getting over all those deceptions and wrong people and finally being surrounded with a possibility of finding the "one". And the most funny part is, it may all happen within a month!

It feels nice to be done with the past, and exhilirating to see new developments cropping up. And good to see new characters coming into my life to let the flow happen again. So that it reminds me again, everything that is not you is best for me. I'm writing the last song I'm wasting on you and then branching out.

"You Made Me Love You"

This phrase has got power. I couldn't see it until I used it on you, but it does, don't you think?

Because after all of that deception you got me, even when you're trying justify your escape with candy lies such as "I did the right thing" or "I couldn't lie any longer" OR my favourite: "I wouldn't want him to know it after 3 months, better to cut things off in a month."

If only it was true, if only I could say "he foresee it happening". But no, nothing justifies the fact of our aftermath after a month of love and you repeating the sweet words.

You made me love you. So why being scared of my possible declaration?

You no longer do though, there is this thing about you that always remain as a dilemma, and it is your escape from being healed and attached. Isn't it sad you thought love was something to be afraid of, when it was just a feeling and was specifically designed for you, say, like a Christmas gift. Wrapped for you and would only expose itself once you unwrapped it.

You made me love you.


You made me love you.

"Loving a Lying Enemy"

Says Sarah Mclachlan in her "forgiveness". Loving a lying enemy, I have seen your face before and you asked for forgiveness, apparently you were asking too much. I have now sheltered my heart in a place you can't touch. I don believe when you tell me your feelings were real.

Because you don't know much about feelings boy, if you have to hurt, to feel. 

Intoxicated

For those who read my blog for my musical journeys, I ask for forgiveness due to the uber-emotional break from music as I do feel I have to express my emotional journey in equal measure as well. Just started to feel that writing helps me 

Have you ever felt like, how could I be more enough for him/her? Where did I fall apart and where should I have risen above all this? Well, what if he/she told you that you were too enough? And one day rocking up on your doorway and telling you that you have been doing too much while `I don't feel anything`

Then inevitably you start to realise, you weren't maybe strong enough to take all of his issues in. He needed help and you were nothing but a burden on his shoulders. This hurts more than the break up itself. If only he could be receptive enough to let me solve his problems together, and maybe be a man enough to help me solve mines as well. 

It intoxicated and poisoned me, I found out the relationship that I had been in started changing me, in a way I wouldn't want to see myself as. Just because I was told I was chosen again by him, didn't mean he was ready to love all over again.

Relationships... they aren't much more different than raising a child, especially when your partner is just a kid who is lost in his life's translation. I can't help thinking though, who is the victim here?

It is an oblivious path, no more, no less.

"You don’t miss your water until your well runs dry. – William Bell" 

Nearly no one reads this blog, so I wanted you to not miss it. Since now I am free to be who I am and to express what I feel. I need you to know a couple of things from my view. Maybe only would you then realise there was a depth of what we had, and how much I really loved you.

They say you only realise what you've got when you lose it, or when they are threatened to be taken away from you. But I am more interested in what they don't say, what if you have never ever actually had it? 

There comes a point when we realise, the fantasy we love doesn't match with what is actually happening, no matter how much we'd like them to be. I have been going through such an amazing time with my "love", when he wanted to get back together for a second time after we broke up back in summer. I shall never forget that first day we met after all those months, the light in his eyes when he saw me and his keen calls in order to make sure I'm not selling him out. (He had been afraid of I could take a revenge by not showing up at all.) But I did, and there he went: 

"I am sure now, I want you to be my boyfriend." 

The guy I was speaking to, reminded me pretty much his older self; compassionate, loving, charismatic and childish in many ways. Maybe I loved his smirk while he committed something unpleasant (like making fun of me everytime he had the chance.)  He relished every second of messing with me, especially when I got "romantic" and "dramatic" that his adorable eyes merely started seeking for a shelter to hide. He wasn't ready for it, maybe neither was I, but being with him was the most amazing thing here in England. I'm going to be honest, he didn't have everything I'd want from a boyfriend to possess, but he was enough.  

And the possibility of building a future together, (which you brought up all the time by the way) had this euphoric feeling of finally I could retain something serious, and real. 

Isn't it funny that in life we never can truly understand who we are, and we are expected to understand others? When it is already a mystery to realise who we are, there comes such a thing called relationships, they are hard and need work, and often are treated as something "worthwhile". In a world where our solidarity and independence could be a source of "freedom" and "maturity", love is often regarded as an ultimate sign of weakness. It is scary, challenging and cataclysmic. 

Maybe that's why we were never able to work this out, I wanted my weaknesses to be my strength, while you found your weaknesses as something to fight with. I knew it all, I saw it all when you stated "I'm not worth these" on our first romantic dinner I cooked or when you sent "inapplicable" answers to my "loving" messages. Then we created this "friends before boyfriends" thing, which didn't work out either, we failed so bad at being friends as we knew the stakes were too high to go friends, as we could lose the magic. However we lost it, or maybe I lost it. And the guy I've known for months (including our first times) turned into a riddle for me to solve.

 "What might have he meant?" 

"What is he feeling?"

"Does he really like me?" 

"When he tells me all those beautiful words, does he really mean it or is he trying to feel again?" 

"Am I the commodity?" 

"Is he comfy when he is sleeping next to me?" 

"If I held his hand in public, what would he feel?" 

I talked these things a lot with my friends, especially after seeing a couple of them being ultimately happy with their relationships, alas I wasn't. I had been in a relationship but it felt more like me trying to maintain the dream. Until he had to let go of the fantasy. Seems most of the time we walk around the world on mute, but when you are on the cusp of something dramatic or life changing, it is like a filter comes off, and suddenly everything comes alive. And even the smallest moment, is in view with the magic of possibility, and you think this is the time when you drop your mask and reveal your true self. this is the time when everything reveals itself. And most of us think we know ourselves pretty well, our hopes, dreams, desires. We cling so tightly to the story we tell ourselves, not realising that what we really should do is Let Go. Let go of the belief that we are invincible, let go of the idea that we can't do it on our own, let go of the fairy tale. Because if we don't let go, how can we move forward? Or sometimes maybe, just for a second, we need to stand still. 

I don't know what I loved most about you, but being with you has been one of the greatest things I've ever had. You have been the first guy that made me feel loved, cared about and protected. Maybe me being in need of such things demolished things, maybe your state of mind did. But again, for the second time we got back to the casual ending. You running away from me, and me missing you more than ever. And I will miss you more, pray that won't see you anywhere in my neighbourhood, God forbid seeing you with another one walking down the streets. 

As you've been scared of, everything was clear as you suspected. I really did fall in love with you. And it is okay when you don't feel it back as this isn't a game, this is real life. But I did, and I do, and I will for a while. They say relationships are everything, they're the glue that binds us together. Bringing joy and pain in equal measure, and it can be hard to navigate the differences. To be compassionate and forgiving, and gentle with each other, and even when breaking up, you realise how much different you are and still complementing me by saying how much I do deserve. Well, all I needed was you and your possible love. No more, no less.

Uyku ve Korku

Ne güzel şey uyku aslında, saatler geçiyor, bazen koca bir gün geçiyor, hiçbir şey anlamıyorsun. Bir uyanmışsın dünya değişmiş, belki yepyeni haberlere gebe bir gündemle yeniden açıyorsun, veyahut sönüyorsun.

Bu arada atlamadan geçemeyeceğim, Brigitte Engerer bence dünyanın en harika Chopin yorumcusu (pardon, ikinci, bizim Gülsin Onay'ımızı kimse geçemez.) Şu yazıyı okurken arkada bu çalsın lütfen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liTSRH4fix4

Güzel şey uyku, rüyalar görüyorsun, kendine bile açıklayamadığın hayallerinin süslediği düş bahçelerinde nefes almanın hazzını duyuyorsun, bazen kabus oluyorlar, bazen düş, bazen uyandığın da "ah rüyaymış" dedirten güzellikler, bazen de "oh, rüyaymış" dedirten cehennemler; hepsi ayrı bir "sen"i sana tanıtıyor. Sevgililerin el ele tutuştuğu soluk sonbahar akşamlarında, senin umutların başkalarının yataklarını ısıtabiliyor, o derece hayal kuruyorsun, düşün.

Neredne geldim, nasıl geldim bu melankoliye bilmiyorum ama anlıyorum, görüyorum ki bu içimdeki karanlığı atamıyorum. Sanatçılık tribi mi dersin yoksa psikozdasın mı dersin bilemem ama, artık öyle doğal geliyor ki şu battaniye altında sıcak çikolata eşliğindeki dökülmeler, elin İngiltere'sinde bile kendi dünyamı yaratmamı engellemiyor.

Korkularımı dindirmiyor.

Korkular hep orada, çırılçıplaklar, soğuk ve nefes kesiciler. Bazen motive edici, bazen ruh emiciler. Çoğu zaman soğuklar ama. Titrek bir soğukluk, o çeneyi kitleyen soğuktan, hatırladın değil mi? Hayalet gördüm korkusu değil, "kendimi gördüm" korkusu. Kendinden korkmak, kimi zaman kendini hayal kırıklığına uğratmaktan korkmak, kimi zaman başkalarını, kimi zaman hayallerini.


Evet ne diyorduk, evet korkular ve uyku. Ne güzel ikili aslında, biri seni ayakta tutar, diğeri ise "boşver" der, yarın yine korkarsın. "Ya da ben sen uyuyrken yine korkuturum seni, sorun değil, yeter ki sen korkak ol. "

Ben şimdi yine uyuyacağım, sonrasında her uyanışımla tazelenen ruhumla yine gülümsememi takınacağım. Kalbimde sevgi ve aşk olduğu sürece.

Expectations..

They say we can shape our lives through clarifying what we want, but what happens what we want is actually just another form of a bottomless pit? a never ending lust, an eternal pain or just a flow of constant flow?

Expectations, we all do grow them within. Sometimes they crop up from nowhere, like a thunderstorm, so strong that they can haul us off and just deflect us towards another roads. Roads that maybe we'd never have wanted to take. However, when we start expecting much, inevitably, we change. That boy/girl we know starts to distort into something that we are getting to know freshly.

The question mark remains at this point: who is our enemy? what should be done? when should I act or where should I go? When you don't have the actions/events that aren't referring to your expectations, do you change the feeling or change yourself? Or both?

Or maybe, change the dream?

Let go of the fantasy..

Regardless of what many others say, real world does exist. It is here, getting enhanced by every single heartbeat, and by breathe in-outs. We all must learn how to "ground" our souls and let go of everything we are afraid to lose. Fear of loss, is a pathway to the darkside. (Yoda)

It's never easy to let your expectations loosen up and turn into something redundant. But when you finally break free your emotional chains, once you see the bigger picture, even that 10 seconds of breath should be enough for you to decide upon your next choices.

Go then, take it, use it. No one is perfect enough to let go of their emotions, however temporarily it can be done. See what can happen next, and then listen to the voice of your brain, sometimes heart relies on the lies we'd love to believe..

"That Cold Feeling Inside"

I am trembling all the way out of anxiety, a bit sadness and despair. I am so used to ask myself "why all these things happening to me?" when I encounter with the same stories. I am liking someone, and straight after thinking everything went well, "boom!" , everything burns into ashes.

I feel so old in my heart and believing in possibilities doesn't really boost my mood anymore. I only contend with staring at the blank door and craving some cigarette to burn up maybe. Or walk on the streets regardless of the freezing weather outside. Moving to England was to be my emotional salvation, where is it?

I see many obstacles on my way to achieve the greatness and nothing could be more predictable than that indeed. Me, getting my victories along with downfalls as well, this all seem quite expected but the way they feel, is just horrendous. It is a cold air being injected in my veins on my arms and I feel it so deeply. It streams within my arms, frosts my hands and and sets my stomach in fire.

I feel cold, not miserable but emotional

I am trembling, all the way out of little things
Little emotions and secret passions
I feel so old in my heart,
And hoping for better doesn't wipe my eyes

I am staring at the blank door you passed
It looks better without my wounds
Every downfall indeed is a lesson learned
But I simply don't wanna learn anymore

I fly like a broken feather, I simply don't feel at all
Please don't tell me I deserve better cuz it mauls my soul
You, may have been gone but the shades of you won't go
I am fed by these illustrive emotions, can't go beyond.
I can't go beyond.