Lost or Found?

Living between the choices we make is often intoxicating. Each decision leads to another mystery and we seem to be bound to re-live everything from scratch. Sometimes it is healthy to have a deep hard look in the past and see how much we’ve come through. Or sometimes weep after the losses we had. 

Do I believe I lost anything? Yes and no, it is tricky that losing you seemed the best that could ever happen as you were never mine at all. You made me believe there could be a world within me where I can shelter in and remain quiet forever; so to survive, I lockdown. 

It is going to be a month in a couple of days (10-12 days) and do you know what hurts the most? Maybe being in the wrong times, in the last conversation we had you clearly mentioned you weren’t ready. If only you were, however I already have a song called “if only” and I don’t feel like writing another one. 

My claim to happiness is now all about my music, these sentences are being poured down from a train, Virgin Trains coach E-67. I had my first session with my future producer for a possible music single. We even sort of have picked the song, it all is a secret now, but it is about you, a brand new, fresh, intimate and broken Onur Uz song. I did imagine your eyes and your questioning stares at me when writing it, and how sometimes you were everything and sometimes nothing to me. You’re gonna like it, there are bombastic strings, backing vocals and some electronic stuff inside. (and of course piano)

In a couple of years from now maybe we will be grabbing our lattes and be talking about how funny we were, how childish and hopeless. Though you broke through from all this, it is I who is still here. 

When we look back, we start to see, how difficult it must have been, to retain and hold on to what we feel, and wish. Regardless of any circumstance we thrive to break free and find that little “slot” we can possess in life. Only then do we realise, we can have a certain place in this life. Maybe we should concentrate on that a little more, and tomorrow wake up all over again saying “I’ll try once more.”