"You don’t miss your water until your well runs dry. – William Bell"
Nearly no one reads this blog, so I wanted you to not miss it. Since now I am free to be who I am and to express what I feel. I need you to know a couple of things from my view. Maybe only would you then realise there was a depth of what we had, and how much I really loved you.
They say you only realise what you've got when you lose it, or when they are threatened to be taken away from you. But I am more interested in what they don't say, what if you have never ever actually had it?
There comes a point when we realise, the fantasy we love doesn't match with what is actually happening, no matter how much we'd like them to be. I have been going through such an amazing time with my "love", when he wanted to get back together for a second time after we broke up back in summer. I shall never forget that first day we met after all those months, the light in his eyes when he saw me and his keen calls in order to make sure I'm not selling him out. (He had been afraid of I could take a revenge by not showing up at all.) But I did, and there he went:
"I am sure now, I want you to be my boyfriend."
The guy I was speaking to, reminded me pretty much his older self; compassionate, loving, charismatic and childish in many ways. Maybe I loved his smirk while he committed something unpleasant (like making fun of me everytime he had the chance.) He relished every second of messing with me, especially when I got "romantic" and "dramatic" that his adorable eyes merely started seeking for a shelter to hide. He wasn't ready for it, maybe neither was I, but being with him was the most amazing thing here in England. I'm going to be honest, he didn't have everything I'd want from a boyfriend to possess, but he was enough.
And the possibility of building a future together, (which you brought up all the time by the way) had this euphoric feeling of finally I could retain something serious, and real.
Isn't it funny that in life we never can truly understand who we are, and we are expected to understand others? When it is already a mystery to realise who we are, there comes such a thing called relationships, they are hard and need work, and often are treated as something "worthwhile". In a world where our solidarity and independence could be a source of "freedom" and "maturity", love is often regarded as an ultimate sign of weakness. It is scary, challenging and cataclysmic.
Maybe that's why we were never able to work this out, I wanted my weaknesses to be my strength, while you found your weaknesses as something to fight with. I knew it all, I saw it all when you stated "I'm not worth these" on our first romantic dinner I cooked or when you sent "inapplicable" answers to my "loving" messages. Then we created this "friends before boyfriends" thing, which didn't work out either, we failed so bad at being friends as we knew the stakes were too high to go friends, as we could lose the magic. However we lost it, or maybe I lost it. And the guy I've known for months (including our first times) turned into a riddle for me to solve.
"What might have he meant?"
"What is he feeling?"
"Does he really like me?"
"When he tells me all those beautiful words, does he really mean it or is he trying to feel again?"
"Am I the commodity?"
"Is he comfy when he is sleeping next to me?"
"If I held his hand in public, what would he feel?"
I talked these things a lot with my friends, especially after seeing a couple of them being ultimately happy with their relationships, alas I wasn't. I had been in a relationship but it felt more like me trying to maintain the dream. Until he had to let go of the fantasy. Seems most of the time we walk around the world on mute, but when you are on the cusp of something dramatic or life changing, it is like a filter comes off, and suddenly everything comes alive. And even the smallest moment, is in view with the magic of possibility, and you think this is the time when you drop your mask and reveal your true self. this is the time when everything reveals itself. And most of us think we know ourselves pretty well, our hopes, dreams, desires. We cling so tightly to the story we tell ourselves, not realising that what we really should do is Let Go. Let go of the belief that we are invincible, let go of the idea that we can't do it on our own, let go of the fairy tale. Because if we don't let go, how can we move forward? Or sometimes maybe, just for a second, we need to stand still.
I don't know what I loved most about you, but being with you has been one of the greatest things I've ever had. You have been the first guy that made me feel loved, cared about and protected. Maybe me being in need of such things demolished things, maybe your state of mind did. But again, for the second time we got back to the casual ending. You running away from me, and me missing you more than ever. And I will miss you more, pray that won't see you anywhere in my neighbourhood, God forbid seeing you with another one walking down the streets.
As you've been scared of, everything was clear as you suspected. I really did fall in love with you. And it is okay when you don't feel it back as this isn't a game, this is real life. But I did, and I do, and I will for a while. They say relationships are everything, they're the glue that binds us together. Bringing joy and pain in equal measure, and it can be hard to navigate the differences. To be compassionate and forgiving, and gentle with each other, and even when breaking up, you realise how much different you are and still complementing me by saying how much I do deserve. Well, all I needed was you and your possible love. No more, no less.
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