Teslimiyet

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi sessizce. Kuytu köşesinde sakladığı eskimiş defterine yıpranmış kelimelerini dökerken.

"Başkalarının hayatlarında baş rol olmaktansa, kendi hayatımı yönetmeyi seçiyorum" dedi, haklıydı da, aynı anda aynı süreçten geçen öyle fazla insan vardı ki, o bile kendi realitesini sorgularken başkalarındaki çırpınışları gördükçe bunun bir süreç olduğunu görüyordu.

Sanki tarihe tanıklık ediyormuşçasına, kimlerin yükselip kimlerin düştüğünü izliyordu hiç kımıldamadan, kendi yansımasının düşenlerden öi yoksa yükselenlerden mi geldiğini merak ediyordu. Sürekli soruyordu "Sence ne olacak?" "Ne hissediyorsun?" cevapların hepsi aynıydı.

"Sen neyi görüyorsan o"

"Ben bir şey göremiyorum ki! Ondan sana soruyorum!"

"O zaman belki de hiçbir şey olmayacak"


Hiçbir şey. Kulağa belki de hem tatlı hem de acı gelen, grinin o çelimsiz ama bir o kadar da hayat değiştiren enerjisinin bir izdüşümü. "Hiçbir şey" ya, belki gerçekten o kadar da basit.

O gece kafasını gökyüzüne dikerek tek bir dilek diledi, kollarını dizlerine sararak çömeldiği köşesinde, Aralık soğuğunu yok sayarmışçasına iklimlere meydan okuyabilecek kadar doluydu içi, yanan kalbi ateşi olmuştu dondurucu soğukta.

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi titrek bir sesle. "Sana, size, hepinize"

"Teslim oluyorum" 

Bir adam geldi yanına ansızın, sihirli lambadan çıkan cin misali.

"Geldim" dedi, "Üzgünüm, geç kaldım"

Adamla göz göze gelen ruhunu hissetti birden, sonra kafasını ürkekçe çevirerek, başka bir yere bakmaya çalışırken göz göze geliyormuş gibi yaptı. Gözlerinden her kelimeyi hissettiği o adamı bir solukta okumak istedi, dudakları tam kavuşacakken ansızın kendisini durdurdu.

"Lütfen dur" dedi, "dur"

Şaşkın bakışlarla ufak bir tebessüm eden adam, elini tuttu, "Buradayım" dermişçesine, onu rahatlatmaya çalıştı.

"Ay ışığında öpüşmenin gizemini bilir misin" dedi adam.

"Rivayete göre, gerçek aşkın öpücüğüyle birleşen ay ışığı, yaralı kalplerin ateşini söndürürmüş. Buzdan katılaşmış bedeni ise sarmalayan yeni ateşi haline gelirmiş"

"Her halukarda yanacağız yani, öyle mi" dedi.

"Belki de" dedi adam.

"Söz veriyorum ki ama, kalbine dokunmayacağım" diyerek devam etti.

Bulutların ardına saklanan Ay da, günü aydınlatmayı bekleyen Güneş de, o gece birbirleriyle hiç konuşmadılar.

Dünden kalanların hepsine bir veda gibiydi o gece.

Blue Eyes

I've always had something with blue eyes. Like I came on here to experiment every shade of it, to see and hear what sort of story they have to tell. And which shade has the sweetest tone.

Yesterday, I saw a pair of blue eyes like I've never seen before. They carried all of my past's burdens, like a reminder of my grief but at the same time a whistler of new dawns.

He had a mystery that no one could solve.

And behind those blue eyes, was everything I could never control.

Not Today

"I hated you" He said. With a somewhat acrid voice tone - as if he finally had confessed that year-long reality.

"Why now?" I asked, "Why now telling me after 12 months?"

He replied gravely:

"Because when the hate was real that was the only thing that I had. Now, I remember how hurtful the whole thing was. You had broken my heart"

His words struck me like thunder. When I thought that my broken heart is causing me all the pain. Maybe it was the little ones I broke already.

I wasn't innocent at all.

We talked for 2 hours, both cried over the phone and patched things up.

"I will redeem myself" I said.

"You already have, now that this is over. I can move on - and so that I let you to do so as well"

I suddenly felt an intense energy ascending all over in my body. It almost felt like, I had been sleeping on the inside but was awaken.

Maybe life is not about carrying on with a broken heart but learning how to forgive.

"Will you forgive him now?" He asked

"Yes, I will" I replied.

"When?"

"Not today"

4.15 AM

Last night was something. A tiny drop of rain on my window sill suddenly woke me up with its calm sound. The night was still cruel and dark - which is to say, as dark as the eye could see. I jauntily got dressed up, to set myself free in the pouring rain. And, to think about you again. How I had missed your ginger hair's scent on the pillow. Would it be a crime to call you secretly to hear you saying "hello" again?

3.00 AM

I walked down the street, until the tube station. It was an ultimate joy knowing no one knew what my aim was. I kept going until I reached that park, where I gazed at a broken memory we had at that cafe.

3.15 AM

Some unusual thoughts started to wander around in my brain. I couldn't tell if it was my heart or mind playing tricks on me. I followed an alley road which led me to a broken bench on the next park. The foggy yet summery sight reminded me of last winter. "I have been in the darkness for so long" , he yearned. "Is it a bad thing?" I asked. "No" he said, "No, until it starts to devour".

3.45 AM

The rain had started to get heavy. I asked myself if I wanted to endure my suffering over your shadow in my life. After all, we had some unfinished businesses. I couldn't go back home after that, not that night, anyway.

3.55 AM

"Uh! If only it was still summer" I cried - so that the sun could have risen upon me, warmed my face a little and given me a sight of hope, to dream again. You should have seen me standing there all alone, my misery, would have been a great object of derision.

4.00 AM

Suddenly that warm feeling of hugging you came into my mind. Something snapped inside. Why did I love you this much?

You were my sweet darkness. And just like an old poet once said, when you love the darkness, it loves you back. A serendipity, finally reveals itself.

4.15 AM

The raindrops had dropped their tears on my forehead. Whilst feeling them percolating through my face, I stared at that broken bench for the last time.  Then it all came back to me:

I knew you loved me, I could taste it in your tears.

Still Looking Out for Number One

Still Looking Out for Number One
Raymond Carver

Now that you’ve gone away for five days,
I’ll smoke all the cigarettes I want,
where I want. Make biscuits and eat them
with jam and fat bacon. Loaf. Indulge
myself. Walk on the beach if I feel
like it. And I feel like it, alone and
thinking about when I was young. The people
then who loved me beyond reason.
And how I loved them above all others.
Except one. I’m saying I’ll do everything
I want here while you’re away!
But there’s one thing I won’t do.
I won’t sleep in our bed without you.
No. It doesn’t please me to do so.
I’ll sleep where I damn well feel like it –
where I sleep best when you’re away
and I can’t hold you the way I do.
On the broken sofa in my study.

Redemption

I knew I would see you again.

Because after all that trouble I caused myself, it was a matter of time for me to "redeem" myself; that is to say, I have learned to look things differently. I have learned to let go, break free off my chains, put my own needs before I give, and never let anyone take from me, if they are meant to leave.

I have learned to forgive.

And amongst all our laughter and chemistry, you once more proved me, how much I had missed to touch you and love you. You were, truly, my sweetest downfall.

There was that moment when we couldn't help ourselves, over the burning feeling of desire and glow, that deep inside, we are only children, grown up. And only then, do we realise, how much we had sacrificed, to actually love and respect each other.

I thought you broke my heart once.

Never thought you would actually fix it one day.

Thank you.

Justice

I shall send you more nightmares, should you dare to sleep.
More demons beneath your bed
More haunted visions, for you to cling your prayer

Maybe more thoughts, and corruptions to keep you astray
Until you see, in the bigger picture
I wasn't only trespassing on your way

Sacrifice

I loved sacrificing for you

while you had been crucifying me on your love cross

I never felt betrayed

Nor defeated. 

On the contrary,

I loved being your prey

I let you to make me everything you needed me to be

So the judgement, would seem fair

Eclipse

I no longer feel excitement whilst falling...

I guess that's how they call free-falling. It almost felt like I've fallen this much to remind myself that I was only experiencing a different form of flying. A form, that would be all about letting go of everything that used to hold a meaning for you. A form, that would be cherished only if you were brave enough to sacrifice.

Sacrifice.

Can we say we have sacrificed this much to become who we are today? Are we proud of these new faces, and every single morning, when I look upon myself in the mirror, can I tell if that guy's happy?

Because I no longer can differentiate my reflection and myself.

The Truth Beneath Us

Raindrops to unleash their tears
What a lonely scenario.

In a world where we are bound to write new stories,
Why I couldn't stop reading you?

Though the truth, my love, is inevitably cold.
There was something beyond us that made us fall for one another
Just like something beneath that made me fall deeper.

Colin

I have always loved Colin, not the other guy.
Not the guy with an intention to re-open sores
Or an ongoing will to close all open doors.

The other one was cruel and not caring
He thrived in a way to take, not giving


Colin had crossed the oceans in my mind
And never, have I ever wondered,
If he would betray one day, betray to his moral

I have seen many wars won and routed
Many faces smiling before perished features
I've tasted the pain, relished the vain
Fell for hope, and then perished to re-born

What a proud creature Colin was; prouder than my virtue.

Colin was the key to every door, and answer to all of my questions. 

Colin was everything I didn't want to control.

Waking up to a dream

When I woke up to today, I had no idea how much I could expect from the "nothingness" in the plain, airless air.

The hardest part is, that it took me months to realise how much in peace I was in my misery, and a little darkness. Then it occurred to me;

You were my darkness; my endless mystery, the friend that I would always back and the enemy I would dare to hate.

The deeper, the better

Each time after a farewell, it seems impossible to mend yourself up, to get back in the game and be in your best version. Sometimes it hurts to be have to who you are, while you can disguise behind masks, simply go incognito so no one knows your true self, you let the breezr wash away your fears, and at the end of the day you remain silent, can even hear the flickering sound of the candle next door.

The pain now, excitingly, doesn't hurt anymore, it motivates to create and love more, rebel more and ask for answers more.

Yesterday proved it to me - for the first time I re-remembered love is not an illusion, it illuminates the blind. It is an amazing thing to go for it, and let your emotions be your guide.

Today is first day I feel off my chains. And the pain you caused me remains as a boost to love and create more.

Funny thing, the pain is, the deeper, always the better.

Letting you go

How weird it is to let you go
While I still dare you in my dreams
Us, singing the untouched melodies
Upon waking up, it stings my heart
That I'll have to start all over from the beginning, to let you go

Mornings

I am quieter in the mornings now,
Calmer in fights,
Faster in rush,
Darker in love,
Sadder in noons,
Happier in nights.

Shyer in talks
Griever in thoughts.
Angrier in dreams,
Older in zests

Kinder in smiles
Coarser in fondles
Hater of lovers,
Yearner of goners



I am everything you'd hoped me to be once

Time

When you look back, at all of the things

You start to realise, how difficult it must have been

And how painful, it was to leave

Everything behind.

And when you look to now, at all of your pains

You start to finalise your incomplete words

And see how tough, it gets to reach to a full stop.

To finish them all.

When you look at the future, at everything you yearn to do

You begin to yearn more, wishing if only it wasn't that hard

And remember how sweet, it was to lose yourself in his pillow

To start all over again.

Surrender

To who? To what?

Under what circumstances one shall surrender, when is the right time to say "I am done"?


Sometimes it is harder to move on, than standing still

Wolves

There are many wolves around
There always have been, from the sunrise to sundown
I could hear their cormorant inhales as they gotten closer day by day
And then it became odd still having dreams about you
Although, in which, you would tell me to wake up.
I would cry in screams, "Why can't I sleep with you?"

You would tremble in fear:
"Forever we will be baited for the wolves, they shall feed on all our dreams".

06/05/2016

Missing

I thought of you today and that scent you left on my pillow in the first place

And walking up to the long park all alone, having the first drinks at the dodgy pub, then walking towards our destiny.

I had heard the breaking waves of my future warning me "You'll be hurt again." 

I never learnt. 

I couldn't take not knowing what the next day would bring- the uncertainty was sawing me in two. The room was dark. A flickering candle burns on the window ledge a few feet away. I take a deep breath, which is to say, as deep a breath as I can take, until I could feel the air smoothly calming me down.

"I'm sorry"  he said.

I wrap my arms around him and say "I'll miss you."

then I continue

"Why couldn't we manage missing each other, while we were still together?" 

• sometimes the only way to move forward is to stop moving, to stand still and decide that no matter what happens, that no matter how much it hurts, your exactly where you want to be.

Being Lonely

Have you ever felt like, you are surrounded by tens of people, but yet, that giant gap inside you grows day by day, until a day when you feel like, you cannot breathe?

Do not get me wrong, I love my life. I love the way things progress the more I give in to my work. However, there is just something inside eating me. And I guess I know what it is.

6th of January, 2016. The day when I lost my dad. That day something snapped inside. Something broke away. And the Onur I knew beforehand, got lost forever, was sent into oblivion.

And this new guy, is interesting, so much tougher yet sentimental; breakable.

I don't understand him, I kinda like him though. His will to survive, his shiftiness, his determination and his agony. Makes him stronger. Just that it worries me the little kid inside is being damaged.

That kid was everything to me.

That Tiny Little Shaky Voice Within

How Jiminy the cricket would call it? Conscious? Oh maybe...

To me it is a tiny drop of the divine consciousness that we all do have (not quite different from the Cricket's view). That voice resides inside us, lets us to play all along in life, whether it is about doing drugs, having one night stands, bitching about people or being a bitch yourself... all those mean things would be allowed by the divine consciousness. Its only little duty, is actually give you some tiny sparks about what you can be in the future, should you carry on being that person. And that message can be in a form of a human being, your partner, an actor in your fav. TV series, or just the voice itself telling you, stopping you and letting you know: something is wrong.

That voice, also observes you while you pick your friends. And how your friends pick you. How much help you need and how much help, those others would need from you and how often you are there for them.

All along this process, the tiny voice examines you, and realises if it is also worth to let you know. So if you still feel it talking to you, making you somehow feel there are things happening in your life and some action is required, then you are lucky, you are not a bad person yet.

However if it makes you happy when you are the bad guy, and more worryingly if you are picking less bad people than you are as lovers, partners, maybe friends, then there we go, corruption, deception, hypocrisy and a life time of resentment awaits for you.

I refuse to be like that.

I refuse to shut my inner voice down. And I choose to listen to it, no matter how much it hurts.

Freefall, All through Life

While I am now opening a brand new door in my life. I want you, my ginger wonder, to be at ease. I shall never be on your way, nor hurt you or be clingy over you. However like you once said, I am an old soul. And it feels like that soul was never able to love and was never loved truly.

Imagine accumulating maybe a thousand years of lust in you. That's sometimes what keeps me awake during nights. How much I can truly, honestly and tangibly feel all that flow.

And I know it is hard, harder for you to commit for such a person.

It is hard for me too, but that is the joyful part.

To just have a freefall all through this. Fall without thinking.

Love me Till It's Me Again

I had seen that phrase in a TV Show, just was a neglected line on the wall. I asked to myself "what would it mean if someone had mentioned it to me?" I had no idea on the answer.

Now I can see, when every commitment is half consuming and half exhilarant, it is up to us which side we would go for. Let our emotions be our guide and relish the love, kisses, or let doubts block our way and then say "Sorry, it is the real me now, hope you can love this one too."

Did you think you fell in love with them?

How long did it take till it was them again?

The Change to a Better Life

The piano's tingles are softer tonight. Less frightening and more enjoyable.

Change.. one thing that we can never understand its dynamics. It comes at the most unexpected time, and helps us to understand the consequences, actions and feelings.

All too often we tend to disregard the yields of change, either because we are not ready for it or just we don't want to see them. Nevertheless, we are bound to see and face them. 

This past week was like door opened up to me, by bringing amazing new characters, feelings and targets.

This story is getting more and more interesting. 

Don't Make Me Cry

Today one of my dearest friends had to get back to her country. Leaving friends and a lovely boyfriend behind.

Don't make me cry world. Don't.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you ask yourself... if it is worth it, to feel that all pain inside, or maybe just let it go..


I got over you, but just another downfall has come in my life. Not much different than you, making me feel like being have to puzzle the riddles out again.

But if you had seen his charm, you would have felt the same. His eyes, like the deepest spot in the ocean, and the smile like a glimpse from heaven.

But his character, like a lost boy from a Peter Pan fairytale. But can I still fall in to him? Am I a fool? just because I am an artist, would these feelings make me a loser?

I fell into him.

And totally forgot you.

So either way, I have moved on.

If only you had seen him.

He was the one.

The Recover

After more than 2 months, I feel like my heart is ready to burst. I have been in shadows for a long time that I could not even see, speak, smell or feel. I had locked myself up in my silence and just hoped things'd get better.

And they have.

Because I have met you. (this time the "you" is different, sorry, the older "you"s trend is long since expired) Yes you, the most amazing personality I have ever seen. You made me feel like that I could feel these excitements all over again, and just like someone used to say, you made me feel like I was destined to love. I don't know when would I reveal this blog to you (probably months later) But I'd like you to know, if this works out, which I am ready to compromise, I want to make you the happiest person on earth, just like you want to make me so.

So dear blog, this means that I won't be posting sad or devastated posts on here. Regardless of what happens with my current "association", I am completely recovered from the poison of my past. I am back to being a happy, healthy and creative Onur. And oh, I have missed him so much.

This morning I woke up to a day that reminded me that I have suffered that much to tell myself who I am today. The scars I used to get are like little stains now, and all the heartbreaks seem to have made my heart bigger, stronger and wiser.

I am wiser dear blog, wiser and knowledgeable. Knowledgeable on who to trust and who to love.

And you, my ginger friend, are such a person to love. And I am looking forward to the day of me telling this out loud.

I let my past off to disappear in its misery, as I am sailing towards a new life. With a new job and a new love and most importantly, a new life.

Thanks.