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Unwanted

Now that you are finally going,

I can light my favorite cigarette, 

Open my favorite wine bottle

Reminiscence my favorite memories with you

I can finally turn my favorite radio station in the mornings

And celebrate your non-existence nearby me

Not that I’ve been hating you

Nor loathing you

I just didn’t want you

And the possibility of you being next to me

And now that you are finally going,

I can start getting over saying goodbye to you

And start remembering you.

-soon

Sail away

Sail away, sailor
Away from home
To find a new adventure
To find a real story
That would never read you 

-countdown

You and I

You and I

were the pieces of the biggest mystery ever engendered in this realm

"How can you dream and love someone that clearly won't serve you anymore"? 

"How can you still remain soulmates?" 

Why couldn't and shouldn't we?

You taught me self-sufficiency when you left me all alone when I had no one but you
You taught me endurance when I was haunted by the darkest moments, deprived by thoughts at 3 am.
You taught me creativity when I still write poems, songs, and proses for you - you're my eternal inspiration. 
You taught me how to cry so I could look deeper to find happiness
You taught me strength when I exposed all my weaknesses to you, and myself
You taught me lust on those captivating nights when you were beating inside me 
You taught me hope when I started to see the light through every crack 
You taught me wisdom when I had to lose myself crossing the oceans in your mind
You taught me love when you stayed, when no one was there
You taught me deception when you left
You taught me acceptance when you let go
And you taught me the preciousness of time when I finally start to grow

How can they still say you weren't my soulmate?

Who could have done more 

Than putting the "self" out
And prioritise the "soul" 

-thank you

“His Fairytale Kiss"

I still dream of you 

You're still in my dreams, that I never want to wake up from

And in those dreams,

You either forgive me

Or I either lead the way for you to hug me again

I am missing your scent on my clothing

And the most hurtful thing is 

That whenever I gloat over forgetting you,

You keep entering my dreams

And remind me of your kiss

A kiss like in fairytales,

But instead of waking me up,

Puts me back in my fragile sleep

So I can dream of you more

-sleep forever

Finding Happiness...

is a long journey full of sacrifices
and is the commitment to see things differently.

It isn't about your possessions or money
Or how handsome your lover may be
Or how beautiful your eyes may stare

It's about finding,
The reasons why
to all your deepest instincts
and find how they shape your route

it's about finding the tools that make you happy
and your measurements that determine your mood

it is a bottomless algorithm
that only exists in your perception

happiness is real
deception is not

"I am tired" 

can mean a lot of things sometimes

Sometimes it's a sound of a fraction
That breaks your heart.

Sometimes it's the endless nights
That never seem to come to an end

Sometimes it's the cry of the child within
Or the yearning to your young years

Many times it's a silent wish to get better
Often an enduring will to sweep away from more wishes
Rarely visible,
Sometimes mendable 
But usually, sufferable. 

It comprises such history of pain and suffering,
That helps for the good of you.

Because "I am tired"
Is actually a promise,
To never escape what you feel this time
It is an integrity, to be true to who you are
It is your long awaited honesty
To let go of the unreachable
Or unloveable 
Or unbreakable. 

It is a sentence,
That you can find you,
and only you,
without anyone's presence


-hold on

Isn't it a funny thing,
That when hope lurks around the corner
And you are filled with the warmth you have never had

As if nothing went wrong
As you've never been wronged
By the people you can't ever, achieve success

But hope is a thing that sneaks into you,
And reminds you once again,
There isn't wrong or true,
There's only you
And the consequences of things you've done
You think that were true

Daring to cry

Mine and your suffering combined,
Would make the most grown up men
Cry.

- exceptional

Awake / Poison

You were my first love

My first downfall

My last deception

I was the rain on your forehead

The slippery ground to count on,

A shaky heart to hold on

I was the drop of your favourite red wine

The one that you thought helped you fall asleep

For many nights,

I've swallowed venoms of a snake

Never stopped loving you, I stayed awake

Losses didn't matter upon losing you

How could they?

When I still constantly try to find you

In every drop of rain

"Change of Heart"

"Sorry" he said.

"I've just had a change of heart"

I didn't know what to expect, nor hold on to.

I have even never told you, I saw him on your lips.

And when you did that thing with your smirk, I loved how you embalmed his legacy.

I have never had a change of heart,

I just carried on loving him, through oyou.

Art

I don't if art makes me stronger
Or caves deeper within.

Sufficiency

The moment when you told me you don’t need me.

Was the time when I needed me most.  

The hateful birthday

I would never forget,
The day we celebrated today last year.
And how obvious that your love was poisonous
I could see it in the hatred inside your friends
The coldness in your apartment and on the paleness of your stare.


That night I was withdrawn in your aspirations.
Aspirations, that I often felt never grant you
And when she slammed you on midnight, just ten minutes before she left the building,
She did come to the room and woke me up;
Where I meant to hide from all your rage
She whispered in my ear:
"He cannot love one - his soul is a bleeding one"

So therefore I would never forget that day
And how intense seeing you crawling beneath your pretentious smile
If only you could see it as well - you had already passed out
Were you bleeding behind curtains maybe?
Didn't you know I bled the same?

Victory

Victory, they say, starts when you think it all ends and when you are freer than ever.

I am indeed freer than ever, but my victory doesn't mean the end.

It is the beginning.

Teslimiyet

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi sessizce. Kuytu köşesinde sakladığı eskimiş defterine yıpranmış kelimelerini dökerken.

"Başkalarının hayatlarında baş rol olmaktansa, kendi hayatımı yönetmeyi seçiyorum" dedi, haklıydı da, aynı anda aynı süreçten geçen öyle fazla insan vardı ki, o bile kendi realitesini sorgularken başkalarındaki çırpınışları gördükçe bunun bir süreç olduğunu görüyordu.

Sanki tarihe tanıklık ediyormuşçasına, kimlerin yükselip kimlerin düştüğünü izliyordu hiç kımıldamadan, kendi yansımasının düşenlerden öi yoksa yükselenlerden mi geldiğini merak ediyordu. Sürekli soruyordu "Sence ne olacak?" "Ne hissediyorsun?" cevapların hepsi aynıydı.

"Sen neyi görüyorsan o"

"Ben bir şey göremiyorum ki! Ondan sana soruyorum!"

"O zaman belki de hiçbir şey olmayacak"


Hiçbir şey. Kulağa belki de hem tatlı hem de acı gelen, grinin o çelimsiz ama bir o kadar da hayat değiştiren enerjisinin bir izdüşümü. "Hiçbir şey" ya, belki gerçekten o kadar da basit.

O gece kafasını gökyüzüne dikerek tek bir dilek diledi, kollarını dizlerine sararak çömeldiği köşesinde, Aralık soğuğunu yok sayarmışçasına iklimlere meydan okuyabilecek kadar doluydu içi, yanan kalbi ateşi olmuştu dondurucu soğukta.

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi titrek bir sesle. "Sana, size, hepinize"

"Teslim oluyorum" 

Bir adam geldi yanına ansızın, sihirli lambadan çıkan cin misali.

"Geldim" dedi, "Üzgünüm, geç kaldım"

Adamla göz göze gelen ruhunu hissetti birden, sonra kafasını ürkekçe çevirerek, başka bir yere bakmaya çalışırken göz göze geliyormuş gibi yaptı. Gözlerinden her kelimeyi hissettiği o adamı bir solukta okumak istedi, dudakları tam kavuşacakken ansızın kendisini durdurdu.

"Lütfen dur" dedi, "dur"

Şaşkın bakışlarla ufak bir tebessüm eden adam, elini tuttu, "Buradayım" dermişçesine, onu rahatlatmaya çalıştı.

"Ay ışığında öpüşmenin gizemini bilir misin" dedi adam.

"Rivayete göre, gerçek aşkın öpücüğüyle birleşen ay ışığı, yaralı kalplerin ateşini söndürürmüş. Buzdan katılaşmış bedeni ise sarmalayan yeni ateşi haline gelirmiş"

"Her halukarda yanacağız yani, öyle mi" dedi.

"Belki de" dedi adam.

"Söz veriyorum ki ama, kalbine dokunmayacağım" diyerek devam etti.

Bulutların ardına saklanan Ay da, günü aydınlatmayı bekleyen Güneş de, o gece birbirleriyle hiç konuşmadılar.

Dünden kalanların hepsine bir veda gibiydi o gece.

Blue Eyes

I've always had something with blue eyes. Like I came on here to experiment every shade of it, to see and hear what sort of story they have to tell. And which shade has the sweetest tone.

Yesterday, I saw a pair of blue eyes like I've never seen before. They carried all of my past's burdens, like a reminder of my grief but at the same time a whistler of new dawns.

He had a mystery that no one could solve.

And behind those blue eyes, was everything I could never control.

Not Today

"I hated you" He said. With a somewhat acrid voice tone - as if he finally had confessed that year-long reality.

"Why now?" I asked, "Why now telling me after 12 months?"

He replied gravely:

"Because when the hate was real that was the only thing that I had. Now, I remember how hurtful the whole thing was. You had broken my heart"

His words struck me like thunder. When I thought that my broken heart is causing me all the pain. Maybe it was the little ones I broke already.

I wasn't innocent at all.

We talked for 2 hours, both cried over the phone and patched things up.

"I will redeem myself" I said.

"You already have, now that this is over. I can move on - and so that I let you to do so as well"

I suddenly felt an intense energy ascending all over in my body. It almost felt like, I had been sleeping on the inside but was awaken.

Maybe life is not about carrying on with a broken heart but learning how to forgive.

"Will you forgive him now?" He asked

"Yes, I will" I replied.

"When?"

"Not today"

4.15 AM

Last night was something. A tiny drop of rain on my window sill suddenly woke me up with its calm sound. The night was still cruel and dark - which is to say, as dark as the eye could see. I jauntily got dressed up, to set myself free in the pouring rain. And, to think about you again. How I had missed your ginger hair's scent on the pillow. Would it be a crime to call you secretly to hear you saying "hello" again?

3.00 AM

I walked down the street, until the tube station. It was an ultimate joy knowing no one knew what my aim was. I kept going until I reached that park, where I gazed at a broken memory we had at that cafe.

3.15 AM

Some unusual thoughts started to wander around in my brain. I couldn't tell if it was my heart or mind playing tricks on me. I followed an alley road which led me to a broken bench on the next park. The foggy yet summery sight reminded me of last winter. "I have been in the darkness for so long" , he yearned. "Is it a bad thing?" I asked. "No" he said, "No, until it starts to devour".

3.45 AM

The rain had started to get heavy. I asked myself if I wanted to endure my suffering over your shadow in my life. After all, we had some unfinished businesses. I couldn't go back home after that, not that night, anyway.

3.55 AM

"Uh! If only it was still summer" I cried - so that the sun could have risen upon me, warmed my face a little and given me a sight of hope, to dream again. You should have seen me standing there all alone, my misery, would have been a great object of derision.

4.00 AM

Suddenly that warm feeling of hugging you came into my mind. Something snapped inside. Why did I love you this much?

You were my sweet darkness. And just like an old poet once said, when you love the darkness, it loves you back. A serendipity, finally reveals itself.

4.15 AM

The raindrops had dropped their tears on my forehead. Whilst feeling them percolating through my face, I stared at that broken bench for the last time.  Then it all came back to me:

I knew you loved me, I could taste it in your tears.

Still Looking Out for Number One

Still Looking Out for Number One
Raymond Carver

Now that you’ve gone away for five days,
I’ll smoke all the cigarettes I want,
where I want. Make biscuits and eat them
with jam and fat bacon. Loaf. Indulge
myself. Walk on the beach if I feel
like it. And I feel like it, alone and
thinking about when I was young. The people
then who loved me beyond reason.
And how I loved them above all others.
Except one. I’m saying I’ll do everything
I want here while you’re away!
But there’s one thing I won’t do.
I won’t sleep in our bed without you.
No. It doesn’t please me to do so.
I’ll sleep where I damn well feel like it –
where I sleep best when you’re away
and I can’t hold you the way I do.
On the broken sofa in my study.