Teslimiyet

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi sessizce. Kuytu köşesinde sakladığı eskimiş defterine yıpranmış kelimelerini dökerken.

"Başkalarının hayatlarında baş rol olmaktansa, kendi hayatımı yönetmeyi seçiyorum" dedi, haklıydı da, aynı anda aynı süreçten geçen öyle fazla insan vardı ki, o bile kendi realitesini sorgularken başkalarındaki çırpınışları gördükçe bunun bir süreç olduğunu görüyordu.

Sanki tarihe tanıklık ediyormuşçasına, kimlerin yükselip kimlerin düştüğünü izliyordu hiç kımıldamadan, kendi yansımasının düşenlerden öi yoksa yükselenlerden mi geldiğini merak ediyordu. Sürekli soruyordu "Sence ne olacak?" "Ne hissediyorsun?" cevapların hepsi aynıydı.

"Sen neyi görüyorsan o"

"Ben bir şey göremiyorum ki! Ondan sana soruyorum!"

"O zaman belki de hiçbir şey olmayacak"


Hiçbir şey. Kulağa belki de hem tatlı hem de acı gelen, grinin o çelimsiz ama bir o kadar da hayat değiştiren enerjisinin bir izdüşümü. "Hiçbir şey" ya, belki gerçekten o kadar da basit.

O gece kafasını gökyüzüne dikerek tek bir dilek diledi, kollarını dizlerine sararak çömeldiği köşesinde, Aralık soğuğunu yok sayarmışçasına iklimlere meydan okuyabilecek kadar doluydu içi, yanan kalbi ateşi olmuştu dondurucu soğukta.

"Teslim oluyorum" dedi titrek bir sesle. "Sana, size, hepinize"

"Teslim oluyorum" 

Bir adam geldi yanına ansızın, sihirli lambadan çıkan cin misali.

"Geldim" dedi, "Üzgünüm, geç kaldım"

Adamla göz göze gelen ruhunu hissetti birden, sonra kafasını ürkekçe çevirerek, başka bir yere bakmaya çalışırken göz göze geliyormuş gibi yaptı. Gözlerinden her kelimeyi hissettiği o adamı bir solukta okumak istedi, dudakları tam kavuşacakken ansızın kendisini durdurdu.

"Lütfen dur" dedi, "dur"

Şaşkın bakışlarla ufak bir tebessüm eden adam, elini tuttu, "Buradayım" dermişçesine, onu rahatlatmaya çalıştı.

"Ay ışığında öpüşmenin gizemini bilir misin" dedi adam.

"Rivayete göre, gerçek aşkın öpücüğüyle birleşen ay ışığı, yaralı kalplerin ateşini söndürürmüş. Buzdan katılaşmış bedeni ise sarmalayan yeni ateşi haline gelirmiş"

"Her halukarda yanacağız yani, öyle mi" dedi.

"Belki de" dedi adam.

"Söz veriyorum ki ama, kalbine dokunmayacağım" diyerek devam etti.

Bulutların ardına saklanan Ay da, günü aydınlatmayı bekleyen Güneş de, o gece birbirleriyle hiç konuşmadılar.

Dünden kalanların hepsine bir veda gibiydi o gece.

Blue Eyes

I've always had something with blue eyes. Like I came on here to experiment every shade of it, to see and hear what sort of story they have to tell. And which shade has the sweetest tone.

Yesterday, I saw a pair of blue eyes like I've never seen before. They carried all of my past's burdens, like a reminder of my grief but at the same time a whistler of new dawns.

He had a mystery that no one could solve.

And behind those blue eyes, was everything I could never control.

Not Today

"I hated you" He said. With a somewhat acrid voice tone - as if he finally had confessed that year-long reality.

"Why now?" I asked, "Why now telling me after 12 months?"

He replied gravely:

"Because when the hate was real that was the only thing that I had. Now, I remember how hurtful the whole thing was. You had broken my heart"

His words struck me like thunder. When I thought that my broken heart is causing me all the pain. Maybe it was the little ones I broke already.

I wasn't innocent at all.

We talked for 2 hours, both cried over the phone and patched things up.

"I will redeem myself" I said.

"You already have, now that this is over. I can move on - and so that I let you to do so as well"

I suddenly felt an intense energy ascending all over in my body. It almost felt like, I had been sleeping on the inside but was awaken.

Maybe life is not about carrying on with a broken heart but learning how to forgive.

"Will you forgive him now?" He asked

"Yes, I will" I replied.

"When?"

"Not today"

4.15 AM

Last night was something. A tiny drop of rain on my window sill suddenly woke me up with its calm sound. The night was still cruel and dark - which is to say, as dark as the eye could see. I jauntily got dressed up, to set myself free in the pouring rain. And, to think about you again. How I had missed your ginger hair's scent on the pillow. Would it be a crime to call you secretly to hear you saying "hello" again?

3.00 AM

I walked down the street, until the tube station. It was an ultimate joy knowing no one knew what my aim was. I kept going until I reached that park, where I gazed at a broken memory we had at that cafe.

3.15 AM

Some unusual thoughts started to wander around in my brain. I couldn't tell if it was my heart or mind playing tricks on me. I followed an alley road which led me to a broken bench on the next park. The foggy yet summery sight reminded me of last winter. "I have been in the darkness for so long" , he yearned. "Is it a bad thing?" I asked. "No" he said, "No, until it starts to devour".

3.45 AM

The rain had started to get heavy. I asked myself if I wanted to endure my suffering over your shadow in my life. After all, we had some unfinished businesses. I couldn't go back home after that, not that night, anyway.

3.55 AM

"Uh! If only it was still summer" I cried - so that the sun could have risen upon me, warmed my face a little and given me a sight of hope, to dream again. You should have seen me standing there all alone, my misery, would have been a great object of derision.

4.00 AM

Suddenly that warm feeling of hugging you came into my mind. Something snapped inside. Why did I love you this much?

You were my sweet darkness. And just like an old poet once said, when you love the darkness, it loves you back. A serendipity, finally reveals itself.

4.15 AM

The raindrops had dropped their tears on my forehead. Whilst feeling them percolating through my face, I stared at that broken bench for the last time.  Then it all came back to me:

I knew you loved me, I could taste it in your tears.

Still Looking Out for Number One

Still Looking Out for Number One
Raymond Carver

Now that you’ve gone away for five days,
I’ll smoke all the cigarettes I want,
where I want. Make biscuits and eat them
with jam and fat bacon. Loaf. Indulge
myself. Walk on the beach if I feel
like it. And I feel like it, alone and
thinking about when I was young. The people
then who loved me beyond reason.
And how I loved them above all others.
Except one. I’m saying I’ll do everything
I want here while you’re away!
But there’s one thing I won’t do.
I won’t sleep in our bed without you.
No. It doesn’t please me to do so.
I’ll sleep where I damn well feel like it –
where I sleep best when you’re away
and I can’t hold you the way I do.
On the broken sofa in my study.

Redemption

I knew I would see you again.

Because after all that trouble I caused myself, it was a matter of time for me to "redeem" myself; that is to say, I have learned to look things differently. I have learned to let go, break free off my chains, put my own needs before I give, and never let anyone take from me, if they are meant to leave.

I have learned to forgive.

And amongst all our laughter and chemistry, you once more proved me, how much I had missed to touch you and love you. You were, truly, my sweetest downfall.

There was that moment when we couldn't help ourselves, over the burning feeling of desire and glow, that deep inside, we are only children, grown up. And only then, do we realise, how much we had sacrificed, to actually love and respect each other.

I thought you broke my heart once.

Never thought you would actually fix it one day.

Thank you.

Justice

I shall send you more nightmares, should you dare to sleep.
More demons beneath your bed
More haunted visions, for you to cling your prayer

Maybe more thoughts, and corruptions to keep you astray
Until you see, in the bigger picture
I wasn't only trespassing on your way