Missing

I thought of you today and that scent you left on my pillow in the first place

And walking up to the long park all alone, having the first drinks at the dodgy pub, then walking towards our destiny.

I had heard the breaking waves of my future warning me "You'll be hurt again." 

I never learnt. 

I couldn't take not knowing what the next day would bring- the uncertainty was sawing me in two. The room was dark. A flickering candle burns on the window ledge a few feet away. I take a deep breath, which is to say, as deep a breath as I can take, until I could feel the air smoothly calming me down.

"I'm sorry"  he said.

I wrap my arms around him and say "I'll miss you."

then I continue

"Why couldn't we manage missing each other, while we were still together?" 

• sometimes the only way to move forward is to stop moving, to stand still and decide that no matter what happens, that no matter how much it hurts, your exactly where you want to be.

Being Lonely

Have you ever felt like, you are surrounded by tens of people, but yet, that giant gap inside you grows day by day, until a day when you feel like, you cannot breathe?

Do not get me wrong, I love my life. I love the way things progress the more I give in to my work. However, there is just something inside eating me. And I guess I know what it is.

6th of January, 2016. The day when I lost my dad. That day something snapped inside. Something broke away. And the Onur I knew beforehand, got lost forever, was sent into oblivion.

And this new guy, is interesting, so much tougher yet sentimental; breakable.

I don't understand him, I kinda like him though. His will to survive, his shiftiness, his determination and his agony. Makes him stronger. Just that it worries me the little kid inside is being damaged.

That kid was everything to me.

That Tiny Little Shaky Voice Within

How Jiminy the cricket would call it? Conscious? Oh maybe...

To me it is a tiny drop of the divine consciousness that we all do have (not quite different from the Cricket's view). That voice resides inside us, lets us to play all along in life, whether it is about doing drugs, having one night stands, bitching about people or being a bitch yourself... all those mean things would be allowed by the divine consciousness. Its only little duty, is actually give you some tiny sparks about what you can be in the future, should you carry on being that person. And that message can be in a form of a human being, your partner, an actor in your fav. TV series, or just the voice itself telling you, stopping you and letting you know: something is wrong.

That voice, also observes you while you pick your friends. And how your friends pick you. How much help you need and how much help, those others would need from you and how often you are there for them.

All along this process, the tiny voice examines you, and realises if it is also worth to let you know. So if you still feel it talking to you, making you somehow feel there are things happening in your life and some action is required, then you are lucky, you are not a bad person yet.

However if it makes you happy when you are the bad guy, and more worryingly if you are picking less bad people than you are as lovers, partners, maybe friends, then there we go, corruption, deception, hypocrisy and a life time of resentment awaits for you.

I refuse to be like that.

I refuse to shut my inner voice down. And I choose to listen to it, no matter how much it hurts.

Freefall, All through Life

While I am now opening a brand new door in my life. I want you, my ginger wonder, to be at ease. I shall never be on your way, nor hurt you or be clingy over you. However like you once said, I am an old soul. And it feels like that soul was never able to love and was never loved truly.

Imagine accumulating maybe a thousand years of lust in you. That's sometimes what keeps me awake during nights. How much I can truly, honestly and tangibly feel all that flow.

And I know it is hard, harder for you to commit for such a person.

It is hard for me too, but that is the joyful part.

To just have a freefall all through this. Fall without thinking.

Love me Till It's Me Again

I had seen that phrase in a TV Show, just was a neglected line on the wall. I asked to myself "what would it mean if someone had mentioned it to me?" I had no idea on the answer.

Now I can see, when every commitment is half consuming and half exhilarant, it is up to us which side we would go for. Let our emotions be our guide and relish the love, kisses, or let doubts block our way and then say "Sorry, it is the real me now, hope you can love this one too."

Did you think you fell in love with them?

How long did it take till it was them again?

The Change to a Better Life

The piano's tingles are softer tonight. Less frightening and more enjoyable.

Change.. one thing that we can never understand its dynamics. It comes at the most unexpected time, and helps us to understand the consequences, actions and feelings.

All too often we tend to disregard the yields of change, either because we are not ready for it or just we don't want to see them. Nevertheless, we are bound to see and face them. 

This past week was like door opened up to me, by bringing amazing new characters, feelings and targets.

This story is getting more and more interesting.