Intoxicated

For those who read my blog for my musical journeys, I ask for forgiveness due to the uber-emotional break from music as I do feel I have to express my emotional journey in equal measure as well. Just started to feel that writing helps me 

Have you ever felt like, how could I be more enough for him/her? Where did I fall apart and where should I have risen above all this? Well, what if he/she told you that you were too enough? And one day rocking up on your doorway and telling you that you have been doing too much while `I don't feel anything`

Then inevitably you start to realise, you weren't maybe strong enough to take all of his issues in. He needed help and you were nothing but a burden on his shoulders. This hurts more than the break up itself. If only he could be receptive enough to let me solve his problems together, and maybe be a man enough to help me solve mines as well. 

It intoxicated and poisoned me, I found out the relationship that I had been in started changing me, in a way I wouldn't want to see myself as. Just because I was told I was chosen again by him, didn't mean he was ready to love all over again.

Relationships... they aren't much more different than raising a child, especially when your partner is just a kid who is lost in his life's translation. I can't help thinking though, who is the victim here?

It is an oblivious path, no more, no less.

"You don’t miss your water until your well runs dry. – William Bell" 

Nearly no one reads this blog, so I wanted you to not miss it. Since now I am free to be who I am and to express what I feel. I need you to know a couple of things from my view. Maybe only would you then realise there was a depth of what we had, and how much I really loved you.

They say you only realise what you've got when you lose it, or when they are threatened to be taken away from you. But I am more interested in what they don't say, what if you have never ever actually had it? 

There comes a point when we realise, the fantasy we love doesn't match with what is actually happening, no matter how much we'd like them to be. I have been going through such an amazing time with my "love", when he wanted to get back together for a second time after we broke up back in summer. I shall never forget that first day we met after all those months, the light in his eyes when he saw me and his keen calls in order to make sure I'm not selling him out. (He had been afraid of I could take a revenge by not showing up at all.) But I did, and there he went: 

"I am sure now, I want you to be my boyfriend." 

The guy I was speaking to, reminded me pretty much his older self; compassionate, loving, charismatic and childish in many ways. Maybe I loved his smirk while he committed something unpleasant (like making fun of me everytime he had the chance.)  He relished every second of messing with me, especially when I got "romantic" and "dramatic" that his adorable eyes merely started seeking for a shelter to hide. He wasn't ready for it, maybe neither was I, but being with him was the most amazing thing here in England. I'm going to be honest, he didn't have everything I'd want from a boyfriend to possess, but he was enough.  

And the possibility of building a future together, (which you brought up all the time by the way) had this euphoric feeling of finally I could retain something serious, and real. 

Isn't it funny that in life we never can truly understand who we are, and we are expected to understand others? When it is already a mystery to realise who we are, there comes such a thing called relationships, they are hard and need work, and often are treated as something "worthwhile". In a world where our solidarity and independence could be a source of "freedom" and "maturity", love is often regarded as an ultimate sign of weakness. It is scary, challenging and cataclysmic. 

Maybe that's why we were never able to work this out, I wanted my weaknesses to be my strength, while you found your weaknesses as something to fight with. I knew it all, I saw it all when you stated "I'm not worth these" on our first romantic dinner I cooked or when you sent "inapplicable" answers to my "loving" messages. Then we created this "friends before boyfriends" thing, which didn't work out either, we failed so bad at being friends as we knew the stakes were too high to go friends, as we could lose the magic. However we lost it, or maybe I lost it. And the guy I've known for months (including our first times) turned into a riddle for me to solve.

 "What might have he meant?" 

"What is he feeling?"

"Does he really like me?" 

"When he tells me all those beautiful words, does he really mean it or is he trying to feel again?" 

"Am I the commodity?" 

"Is he comfy when he is sleeping next to me?" 

"If I held his hand in public, what would he feel?" 

I talked these things a lot with my friends, especially after seeing a couple of them being ultimately happy with their relationships, alas I wasn't. I had been in a relationship but it felt more like me trying to maintain the dream. Until he had to let go of the fantasy. Seems most of the time we walk around the world on mute, but when you are on the cusp of something dramatic or life changing, it is like a filter comes off, and suddenly everything comes alive. And even the smallest moment, is in view with the magic of possibility, and you think this is the time when you drop your mask and reveal your true self. this is the time when everything reveals itself. And most of us think we know ourselves pretty well, our hopes, dreams, desires. We cling so tightly to the story we tell ourselves, not realising that what we really should do is Let Go. Let go of the belief that we are invincible, let go of the idea that we can't do it on our own, let go of the fairy tale. Because if we don't let go, how can we move forward? Or sometimes maybe, just for a second, we need to stand still. 

I don't know what I loved most about you, but being with you has been one of the greatest things I've ever had. You have been the first guy that made me feel loved, cared about and protected. Maybe me being in need of such things demolished things, maybe your state of mind did. But again, for the second time we got back to the casual ending. You running away from me, and me missing you more than ever. And I will miss you more, pray that won't see you anywhere in my neighbourhood, God forbid seeing you with another one walking down the streets. 

As you've been scared of, everything was clear as you suspected. I really did fall in love with you. And it is okay when you don't feel it back as this isn't a game, this is real life. But I did, and I do, and I will for a while. They say relationships are everything, they're the glue that binds us together. Bringing joy and pain in equal measure, and it can be hard to navigate the differences. To be compassionate and forgiving, and gentle with each other, and even when breaking up, you realise how much different you are and still complementing me by saying how much I do deserve. Well, all I needed was you and your possible love. No more, no less.

Uyku ve Korku

Ne güzel şey uyku aslında, saatler geçiyor, bazen koca bir gün geçiyor, hiçbir şey anlamıyorsun. Bir uyanmışsın dünya değişmiş, belki yepyeni haberlere gebe bir gündemle yeniden açıyorsun, veyahut sönüyorsun.

Bu arada atlamadan geçemeyeceğim, Brigitte Engerer bence dünyanın en harika Chopin yorumcusu (pardon, ikinci, bizim Gülsin Onay'ımızı kimse geçemez.) Şu yazıyı okurken arkada bu çalsın lütfen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liTSRH4fix4

Güzel şey uyku, rüyalar görüyorsun, kendine bile açıklayamadığın hayallerinin süslediği düş bahçelerinde nefes almanın hazzını duyuyorsun, bazen kabus oluyorlar, bazen düş, bazen uyandığın da "ah rüyaymış" dedirten güzellikler, bazen de "oh, rüyaymış" dedirten cehennemler; hepsi ayrı bir "sen"i sana tanıtıyor. Sevgililerin el ele tutuştuğu soluk sonbahar akşamlarında, senin umutların başkalarının yataklarını ısıtabiliyor, o derece hayal kuruyorsun, düşün.

Neredne geldim, nasıl geldim bu melankoliye bilmiyorum ama anlıyorum, görüyorum ki bu içimdeki karanlığı atamıyorum. Sanatçılık tribi mi dersin yoksa psikozdasın mı dersin bilemem ama, artık öyle doğal geliyor ki şu battaniye altında sıcak çikolata eşliğindeki dökülmeler, elin İngiltere'sinde bile kendi dünyamı yaratmamı engellemiyor.

Korkularımı dindirmiyor.

Korkular hep orada, çırılçıplaklar, soğuk ve nefes kesiciler. Bazen motive edici, bazen ruh emiciler. Çoğu zaman soğuklar ama. Titrek bir soğukluk, o çeneyi kitleyen soğuktan, hatırladın değil mi? Hayalet gördüm korkusu değil, "kendimi gördüm" korkusu. Kendinden korkmak, kimi zaman kendini hayal kırıklığına uğratmaktan korkmak, kimi zaman başkalarını, kimi zaman hayallerini.


Evet ne diyorduk, evet korkular ve uyku. Ne güzel ikili aslında, biri seni ayakta tutar, diğeri ise "boşver" der, yarın yine korkarsın. "Ya da ben sen uyuyrken yine korkuturum seni, sorun değil, yeter ki sen korkak ol. "

Ben şimdi yine uyuyacağım, sonrasında her uyanışımla tazelenen ruhumla yine gülümsememi takınacağım. Kalbimde sevgi ve aşk olduğu sürece.

Expectations..

They say we can shape our lives through clarifying what we want, but what happens what we want is actually just another form of a bottomless pit? a never ending lust, an eternal pain or just a flow of constant flow?

Expectations, we all do grow them within. Sometimes they crop up from nowhere, like a thunderstorm, so strong that they can haul us off and just deflect us towards another roads. Roads that maybe we'd never have wanted to take. However, when we start expecting much, inevitably, we change. That boy/girl we know starts to distort into something that we are getting to know freshly.

The question mark remains at this point: who is our enemy? what should be done? when should I act or where should I go? When you don't have the actions/events that aren't referring to your expectations, do you change the feeling or change yourself? Or both?

Or maybe, change the dream?

Let go of the fantasy..

Regardless of what many others say, real world does exist. It is here, getting enhanced by every single heartbeat, and by breathe in-outs. We all must learn how to "ground" our souls and let go of everything we are afraid to lose. Fear of loss, is a pathway to the darkside. (Yoda)

It's never easy to let your expectations loosen up and turn into something redundant. But when you finally break free your emotional chains, once you see the bigger picture, even that 10 seconds of breath should be enough for you to decide upon your next choices.

Go then, take it, use it. No one is perfect enough to let go of their emotions, however temporarily it can be done. See what can happen next, and then listen to the voice of your brain, sometimes heart relies on the lies we'd love to believe..

"That Cold Feeling Inside"

I am trembling all the way out of anxiety, a bit sadness and despair. I am so used to ask myself "why all these things happening to me?" when I encounter with the same stories. I am liking someone, and straight after thinking everything went well, "boom!" , everything burns into ashes.

I feel so old in my heart and believing in possibilities doesn't really boost my mood anymore. I only contend with staring at the blank door and craving some cigarette to burn up maybe. Or walk on the streets regardless of the freezing weather outside. Moving to England was to be my emotional salvation, where is it?

I see many obstacles on my way to achieve the greatness and nothing could be more predictable than that indeed. Me, getting my victories along with downfalls as well, this all seem quite expected but the way they feel, is just horrendous. It is a cold air being injected in my veins on my arms and I feel it so deeply. It streams within my arms, frosts my hands and and sets my stomach in fire.

I feel cold, not miserable but emotional

I am trembling, all the way out of little things
Little emotions and secret passions
I feel so old in my heart,
And hoping for better doesn't wipe my eyes

I am staring at the blank door you passed
It looks better without my wounds
Every downfall indeed is a lesson learned
But I simply don't wanna learn anymore

I fly like a broken feather, I simply don't feel at all
Please don't tell me I deserve better cuz it mauls my soul
You, may have been gone but the shades of you won't go
I am fed by these illustrive emotions, can't go beyond.
I can't go beyond.

Desire

Desire... one of the most malevolent blocks appear on our way when we are aiming to achieve the "greatness". But what happens if we keep it with the  flow? Once in a lifetime, letting ourselves "drown" within the flow.

I did that tonight, the outcomes were way satisfactory. It is funny to see how I kept myself in my imaginary jar all these years and experimenting my boundaries on wrong subjects and people. But isn't it what life is all about; it crops up at the most unexpected timing to show us the "reality" behind the calamity.

I have no further reservations for future, I've got everything I want in my life. For just once, I feel "complete". After the years of pain, I now can say, finally, it was worth it all.

It was worth to suffer.

It was worth to all of those sleepless nights,

Hidden cries,

Enough of the drama indeed... now sleep eludes me...

cheers.

Onur's Adventures in Wonderland

Hello all!

After a very radical and certain change in my life, I came to the point where I feel things couldn't get any BET-TER!

For those who don't know, I am in the UK at the moment, pursuing my masters degree in the MA Creative and Media Enterprises, Warwick University with sharing a full of enthusiastic cloud derived from my colleagues and staff. And I can assure you, that is what I call "triumph" and "magical"

It might seem a bit odd to portray my experience so far as "magical" but one can believe that the way I had been through things throughout this past year, was worth to see and, maybe, write (such a heroic quest has been derived, right?) Anyways, I am getting to know sweetest people around the world along with "quadrating" myself to this new land. I have even composed 3 news songs!

And last summer was just : SUPERB! I had the most pleasing experience of working with the Roots and Routes (Germany), an international network for the promotion of cultural and social diversity in contemporary performing arts and media. Working with some of the most talented musicians delicately selected from European territories had me to feel the deepest bonds of musicianship, and how fun it is to work within an international sphere. 

Below you can see how I never wanted to leave Germany:

And this next one was taken just a day before my departure for UK:

It is indeed exciting to be here at Warwick, let's see what life brings on!! 

Cheers,
Onur