To move on, let go.

Let go of the fear that we are invincible or unguarded, let go of the feeling that no one can replace you.

Because, at the end of the day, you weren't invincible too, nor perfect. Neither was I, however I've been the victim in this game.

Which means, I have won in either cases. I have freed myself from the constant deceit that you could be the "one" and I could be your "one". Do you remember the long and kinda drunken message I sent you? That was my wake up call, and the very next day I talked to this person who who had promised the same things you did to me, and then, it all ended up for me. I had been missing the possibility of living those dreams, but then seeing that is a practice of you trying to "feel", it tainted everything, that heroic person, honest person turned into someone, well, shallow.

“What is hateful to thyself do not do to another."  - Hillel 

And it is deceiving. As at the end of the day, we only deceive ourselves, constantly.

The only feeling that remains at the end of the day...

Is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back.


This is a phrase from a dear friend, David, who is actually a well known musician in the field. (keeping his surname for privacy:)) And just like any other good friend, he came to listen to me today over a nice dinner he brought and a dessert I baked. It is such a relief to have friends like him that makes you feel not alone and loved. As he studied psychology at University so he diagnosed you with something that I don't really recall right now, but I can tell you it is beyond a simple diagnosis of depression.

And after all those weeks, I think only today, I felt like moving on. I changed almost everything in my room, and all the things even has a little potential of reminding you to me. And through the conversation I had with David, he stated this remarkable fact:

"No feeling is permanent, except for one, and that is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back, and grief for the lost ones that won't be able to return."

It reminded me of one of your phrases: "You only realise what is precious after they're gone."

Tell me, what kind of diagnosis of self-trouble would lead one to knowingly lose things that are dear to them?

Unless they are liars.

Lost or Found?

Living between the choices we make is often intoxicating. Each decision leads to another mystery and we seem to be bound to re-live everything from scratch. Sometimes it is healthy to have a deep hard look in the past and see how much we’ve come through. Or sometimes weep after the losses we had. 

Do I believe I lost anything? Yes and no, it is tricky that losing you seemed the best that could ever happen as you were never mine at all. You made me believe there could be a world within me where I can shelter in and remain quiet forever; so to survive, I lockdown. 

It is going to be a month in a couple of days (10-12 days) and do you know what hurts the most? Maybe being in the wrong times, in the last conversation we had you clearly mentioned you weren’t ready. If only you were, however I already have a song called “if only” and I don’t feel like writing another one. 

My claim to happiness is now all about my music, these sentences are being poured down from a train, Virgin Trains coach E-67. I had my first session with my future producer for a possible music single. We even sort of have picked the song, it all is a secret now, but it is about you, a brand new, fresh, intimate and broken Onur Uz song. I did imagine your eyes and your questioning stares at me when writing it, and how sometimes you were everything and sometimes nothing to me. You’re gonna like it, there are bombastic strings, backing vocals and some electronic stuff inside. (and of course piano)

In a couple of years from now maybe we will be grabbing our lattes and be talking about how funny we were, how childish and hopeless. Though you broke through from all this, it is I who is still here. 

When we look back, we start to see, how difficult it must have been, to retain and hold on to what we feel, and wish. Regardless of any circumstance we thrive to break free and find that little “slot” we can possess in life. Only then do we realise, we can have a certain place in this life. Maybe we should concentrate on that a little more, and tomorrow wake up all over again saying “I’ll try once more.” 

"Who Took You, Who are Kissing You Now?"

This is a Turkish singer and songwriter, Sezen Aksu, who has been one of the most noble musicians and voices of all times in Turkish music. I would never listen to this type of (not that it is bad, on the contrary it's a brilliant genre.) music but this time

I just closed my eyes and the chorus spoke on my behalf, look what it says:

Who took you, who are kissing you now?
On your lips, tongue, there are traces of strangers.

I hope you are happy with those strangers, and are able to fill in the blanks. Those eternal voids..

With or Without You

Amy Lee made this song even more beautiful. And it is way catchier this time. And is ironically about what I'm going through nowadays.

I literally can't make it, with or without you. Don't get me wrong, I'm all okay, happy and sound. Once you told me something "I'll see you if you still gonna want me when you'll have all the models fawning over you." Well, this kinda became real, and I still wanted you. Saw you in their shadows and hoped so badly if only they'd be you.

"The last song I'm wasting on you"

It is funny how someone can go and another can arrive, not only through having a strong potential to "step in" but also through an exciting feeling. Making you feel "I am done, I am ready and hopefully will be ready to sail towards new horizons." And it makes you also feel, "over it". You, getting over all those deceptions and wrong people and finally being surrounded with a possibility of finding the "one". And the most funny part is, it may all happen within a month!

It feels nice to be done with the past, and exhilirating to see new developments cropping up. And good to see new characters coming into my life to let the flow happen again. So that it reminds me again, everything that is not you is best for me. I'm writing the last song I'm wasting on you and then branching out.

"You Made Me Love You"

This phrase has got power. I couldn't see it until I used it on you, but it does, don't you think?

Because after all of that deception you got me, even when you're trying justify your escape with candy lies such as "I did the right thing" or "I couldn't lie any longer" OR my favourite: "I wouldn't want him to know it after 3 months, better to cut things off in a month."

If only it was true, if only I could say "he foresee it happening". But no, nothing justifies the fact of our aftermath after a month of love and you repeating the sweet words.

You made me love you. So why being scared of my possible declaration?

You no longer do though, there is this thing about you that always remain as a dilemma, and it is your escape from being healed and attached. Isn't it sad you thought love was something to be afraid of, when it was just a feeling and was specifically designed for you, say, like a Christmas gift. Wrapped for you and would only expose itself once you unwrapped it.

You made me love you.


You made me love you.