Don't Make Me Cry

Today one of my dearest friends had to get back to her country. Leaving friends and a lovely boyfriend behind.

Don't make me cry world. Don't.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you ask yourself... if it is worth it, to feel that all pain inside, or maybe just let it go..


I got over you, but just another downfall has come in my life. Not much different than you, making me feel like being have to puzzle the riddles out again.

But if you had seen his charm, you would have felt the same. His eyes, like the deepest spot in the ocean, and the smile like a glimpse from heaven.

But his character, like a lost boy from a Peter Pan fairytale. But can I still fall in to him? Am I a fool? just because I am an artist, would these feelings make me a loser?

I fell into him.

And totally forgot you.

So either way, I have moved on.

If only you had seen him.

He was the one.

The Recover

After more than 2 months, I feel like my heart is ready to burst. I have been in shadows for a long time that I could not even see, speak, smell or feel. I had locked myself up in my silence and just hoped things'd get better.

And they have.

Because I have met you. (this time the "you" is different, sorry, the older "you"s trend is long since expired) Yes you, the most amazing personality I have ever seen. You made me feel like that I could feel these excitements all over again, and just like someone used to say, you made me feel like I was destined to love. I don't know when would I reveal this blog to you (probably months later) But I'd like you to know, if this works out, which I am ready to compromise, I want to make you the happiest person on earth, just like you want to make me so.

So dear blog, this means that I won't be posting sad or devastated posts on here. Regardless of what happens with my current "association", I am completely recovered from the poison of my past. I am back to being a happy, healthy and creative Onur. And oh, I have missed him so much.

This morning I woke up to a day that reminded me that I have suffered that much to tell myself who I am today. The scars I used to get are like little stains now, and all the heartbreaks seem to have made my heart bigger, stronger and wiser.

I am wiser dear blog, wiser and knowledgeable. Knowledgeable on who to trust and who to love.

And you, my ginger friend, are such a person to love. And I am looking forward to the day of me telling this out loud.

I let my past off to disappear in its misery, as I am sailing towards a new life. With a new job and a new love and most importantly, a new life.

Thanks.

Our Worst Enemies...

are not "them" , it is ourselves. So often we cling to our troubles and stress very tightly and do forget it is again ourselves, who makes it all more difficult. Our noble enduring fight is not with anyone or anything, it is with ourselves.

And just right at that point, my lovely friend Julia reminded me of something, saying : "If one is that strong to demolish self that easily, imagine what can they do to re-construct the self?"

Worth thinking for.

To move on, let go.

Let go of the fear that we are invincible or unguarded, let go of the feeling that no one can replace you.

Because, at the end of the day, you weren't invincible too, nor perfect. Neither was I, however I've been the victim in this game.

Which means, I have won in either cases. I have freed myself from the constant deceit that you could be the "one" and I could be your "one". Do you remember the long and kinda drunken message I sent you? That was my wake up call, and the very next day I talked to this person who who had promised the same things you did to me, and then, it all ended up for me. I had been missing the possibility of living those dreams, but then seeing that is a practice of you trying to "feel", it tainted everything, that heroic person, honest person turned into someone, well, shallow.

“What is hateful to thyself do not do to another."  - Hillel 

And it is deceiving. As at the end of the day, we only deceive ourselves, constantly.

The only feeling that remains at the end of the day...

Is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back.


This is a phrase from a dear friend, David, who is actually a well known musician in the field. (keeping his surname for privacy:)) And just like any other good friend, he came to listen to me today over a nice dinner he brought and a dessert I baked. It is such a relief to have friends like him that makes you feel not alone and loved. As he studied psychology at University so he diagnosed you with something that I don't really recall right now, but I can tell you it is beyond a simple diagnosis of depression.

And after all those weeks, I think only today, I felt like moving on. I changed almost everything in my room, and all the things even has a little potential of reminding you to me. And through the conversation I had with David, he stated this remarkable fact:

"No feeling is permanent, except for one, and that is grief. Grief for the days that cannot be undone or taken back, and grief for the lost ones that won't be able to return."

It reminded me of one of your phrases: "You only realise what is precious after they're gone."

Tell me, what kind of diagnosis of self-trouble would lead one to knowingly lose things that are dear to them?

Unless they are liars.

Lost or Found?

Living between the choices we make is often intoxicating. Each decision leads to another mystery and we seem to be bound to re-live everything from scratch. Sometimes it is healthy to have a deep hard look in the past and see how much we’ve come through. Or sometimes weep after the losses we had. 

Do I believe I lost anything? Yes and no, it is tricky that losing you seemed the best that could ever happen as you were never mine at all. You made me believe there could be a world within me where I can shelter in and remain quiet forever; so to survive, I lockdown. 

It is going to be a month in a couple of days (10-12 days) and do you know what hurts the most? Maybe being in the wrong times, in the last conversation we had you clearly mentioned you weren’t ready. If only you were, however I already have a song called “if only” and I don’t feel like writing another one. 

My claim to happiness is now all about my music, these sentences are being poured down from a train, Virgin Trains coach E-67. I had my first session with my future producer for a possible music single. We even sort of have picked the song, it all is a secret now, but it is about you, a brand new, fresh, intimate and broken Onur Uz song. I did imagine your eyes and your questioning stares at me when writing it, and how sometimes you were everything and sometimes nothing to me. You’re gonna like it, there are bombastic strings, backing vocals and some electronic stuff inside. (and of course piano)

In a couple of years from now maybe we will be grabbing our lattes and be talking about how funny we were, how childish and hopeless. Though you broke through from all this, it is I who is still here. 

When we look back, we start to see, how difficult it must have been, to retain and hold on to what we feel, and wish. Regardless of any circumstance we thrive to break free and find that little “slot” we can possess in life. Only then do we realise, we can have a certain place in this life. Maybe we should concentrate on that a little more, and tomorrow wake up all over again saying “I’ll try once more.”